A better week

Woke up this morning feeling really shivery and achy, with legs and arms like lead and like I could sleep for at least 12 hours more...so things are back to normal then! ;-)

Managed to get out of bed for 9am for a call with a potential freelance employer which felt like a major achievement given the mega sleeps of the last few days. The work's not guaranteed but if it does happen it might help sort out my dwindling finances but it's quite intense work so may have a bad effect on my health. Still, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Trying to resist going back to bed now as although I'm really sleepy (well, I have been awake for almost 3 hrs, clearly any normal person would need a nap by now), I need to drag myself to the library and try and get some work done on my dissertation. I'm seriously behind but I'm hoping that if I can just get started on it then the rest will fall into place.

In other news, I've been sent a big stack of questionnaires from the ME/CFS clinic to send back to them, presumably so they can assess how bad I am before they give me an appointment. Hope I get an appointment before the Tories inevitably cut the service!

And in very exciting news, I am going on holiday! It's just for a week at the end of August to a little apartment in Portugal but I am so looking forward to it as I'm sure that some sunshine, doing very little and spending some proper time with the boy panda has got to have a good effect on my health. The only disaster is that I can't find my passport...not sure if it made it to Manchester in the move from London, if I've given it to the charity shop by accident or if it has just vanished. Oh well, will keep looking!x

Magic Monday: Sleeping Beauty

I am very, very confused. It seems that I have slept for 18 hrs straight! Ended up staying at boy panda's house last night as wasn't feeling great and was woken up by what I thought was him coming in to say he was off to work. It turns out had actually come home from work meaning that I had slept through the entire day!
So it's not great for having a productive day and general sense of awareness (how did I miss a whole day!) but I guess my body wanted to rest for some reason so will try and think of the positives.
Also, while dead to the world in bed, at least I coldn't spend any money!x

Trying to keep afloat

I feel a bit like ME/CFS is pulling me under at the moment. I feel like it's affecting every element of my life and there's nothing I can do about it because I have no energy.

In no particular order, here are the things that are particularly worrying me today.

• I have been struggling all year to try and keep doing my MSc whilst trying to work but the ME/CFS is making it impossible. I only have a month or so left and yet I am lost and behind in my dissertation and the exhaustion and brainfog are making it feel overwhelming.
• I've been given a conditional offer on a PhD place which I would love to take up but it's dependent on the marks I get on my masters. I got some marks back from the essays that I handed in recently and although I haven't got them all back, I don't think my marks are going to be good enough to fulfill the conditions. Again, the ME/CFS is responsible for most of this and it's just making me feel really tearful and defeated.
• I'm worried about money. I've had to turn down some offers of freelance work recently as I'm just not well enough to do it at the moment but my savings will run out soon and I have bills and debts that need to be paid so the money has to come from somewhere.
• I have to go for some more blood tests and I am so physically scared of them that it makes me sick and tearful just thinking about them. I have put it off for two weeks now but I'm going to have to go and I hate going on my own but there's no one to go with me.
• I feel like my symptoms are getting worse not better. I'm trying so hard to sort out my sleep in the hope that it will make everything else a bit more manageable but can't seem to even do that at the moment. I'm fed up of aching all the time and I'm scared that my brain isn't working how it should do.
• I really miss my friends. They're all spread out around the country but none of them live in Manchester and I'm not well enough to go and see them. Some days I'm fine but other days like today, I feel really alone and isolated.
• I'm tired of living this weird half-life where I can't do the things I need to do let alone the things I want to do and I don't like not feeling like myself anymore.

I have to keep thinking that things will get better but days like today just come out of nowhere and knock me sideways. I know lots of people are suffering much worse than me and I should be grateful for the things that I do have. Let's hope things will be brighter tomorrow x