Tuesday, 2 November 2010
I've realised that despite it supposed to be a place for being positive, it's turned into a place for me to grumble which is not what I had planned at all.
So I have decided to put this space to rest for a bit and have started a new blog which is mainly about food, knitting and reading but I will still be blogging about life with M.E. I'd love it if you joined me at http://eatknitreadblog.blogspot.com/
Hope to see you there!x
Monday, 6 September 2010
- Had an amazing week's holiday last week in Praia da Luz in Portugal. Beautiful beach, gorgeous weather and ME symptoms much improved whilst there due to not having to do very much at all and being able to properly relax.
- Read lots of novels while I was away and amazingly without it causing any real energy dips or suffering any brainfog. (I read The Children's Book by A.S. Byatt, Past Imperfect by Julian Fellowes, Something for the weekend by Pauline McClynn and Enigma by Robert Harris - all good - plus a few easy on the brain chick-lit books that were lying round the apartment
- Got some knitting done (will post another time about that).
- My dissertation is due in in roughly two weeks time and I am seriously behind. All the ME crap started up again pretty much as soon as I got back home and am struggling to get the work done while trying to work round lack of energy, fuzzy brain etc
- I'm still waiting for an appointment to come through at the ME/CFS specialist clinic
- The Happiness Project is pretty much on hold for now although it would be very helpful - more like the survival project at the mo!
- Have got severe financial problems. Money is always a worry for me and has been especially so with the worsening ME as had to turn down a lot of work over the last few months because of it. But the piggy bank is now looking decidedly empty and so once this dissertation is done, I'm going to have to start praying for some freelance work to come along otherwise I don't know how the rent and bills are going to get paid.
- The last time I did some freelance work it caused a massive flare so am in the horrible situation of worrying that any work I do is going to make my health much worse but have no other option but to work
- Everything keeps breaking - in the last few weeks my TV, kettle and phone have all decided to break. This might seem like a minor thing but I still haven't got a phone and lack of TV and v limited internet at home makes me feel really isolated.
- Have been offered a place on a fully-funded Phd (yes, I know this bit should be in the good bit but there is a big catch!). Whereas everyone else will be starting in the next few weeks and therefore will recieve their funding at the same time, my offer is being postponed to Jan 1st as I've had a small extension to do my dissertation due to all the health problems. I had originally thought it would be postponed to Nov/Dec but this extra month that I need to find money for just makes it a lot more scary and of course, there's the fear that depending on how much work I have to do, I may end up making myself too ill to start the course.
- And finally in my list of woes, I have just had some very bad news from some very dear friends of mine. I won't say what it is as it's very private to them but I've been crying all morning for them.
So, to cut a long story short, it would seem that the relaxed, happy Cheryl that came back from holiday has been driven away very quickly and replaced by a very stressed, worried and poorly Cheryl. Sigh.
Just have to keep pushing on and hope for the best. BP's mum gave me a money plant recently so fingers crossed it will work! Or if any of you know any rich benefactors - send them my way!xx
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Managed to get out of bed for 9am for a call with a potential freelance employer which felt like a major achievement given the mega sleeps of the last few days. The work's not guaranteed but if it does happen it might help sort out my dwindling finances but it's quite intense work so may have a bad effect on my health. Still, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Trying to resist going back to bed now as although I'm really sleepy (well, I have been awake for almost 3 hrs, clearly any normal person would need a nap by now), I need to drag myself to the library and try and get some work done on my dissertation. I'm seriously behind but I'm hoping that if I can just get started on it then the rest will fall into place.
In other news, I've been sent a big stack of questionnaires from the ME/CFS clinic to send back to them, presumably so they can assess how bad I am before they give me an appointment. Hope I get an appointment before the Tories inevitably cut the service!
And in very exciting news, I am going on holiday! It's just for a week at the end of August to a little apartment in Portugal but I am so looking forward to it as I'm sure that some sunshine, doing very little and spending some proper time with the boy panda has got to have a good effect on my health. The only disaster is that I can't find my passport...not sure if it made it to Manchester in the move from London, if I've given it to the charity shop by accident or if it has just vanished. Oh well, will keep looking!x
Monday, 9 August 2010
So it's not great for having a productive day and general sense of awareness (how did I miss a whole day!) but I guess my body wanted to rest for some reason so will try and think of the positives.
Also, while dead to the world in bed, at least I coldn't spend any money!x
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
In no particular order, here are the things that are particularly worrying me today.
- I have been struggling all year to try and keep doing my MSc whilst trying to work but the ME/CFS is making it impossible. I only have a month or so left and yet I am lost and behind in my dissertation and the exhaustion and brainfog are making it feel overwhelming.
- I've been given a conditional offer on a PhD place which I would love to take up but it's dependent on the marks I get on my masters. I got some marks back from the essays that I handed in recently and although I haven't got them all back, I don't think my marks are going to be good enough to fulfill the conditions. Again, the ME/CFS is responsible for most of this and it's just making me feel really tearful and defeated.
- I'm worried about money. I've had to turn down some offers of freelance work recently as I'm just not well enough to do it at the moment but my savings will run out soon and I have bills and debts that need to be paid so the money has to come from somewhere.
- I have to go for some more blood tests and I am so physically scared of them that it makes me sick and tearful just thinking about them. I have put it off for two weeks now but I'm going to have to go and I hate going on my own but there's no one to go with me.
- I feel like my symptoms are getting worse not better. I'm trying so hard to sort out my sleep in the hope that it will make everything else a bit more manageable but can't seem to even do that at the moment. I'm fed up of aching all the time and I'm scared that my brain isn't working how it should do.
- I really miss my friends. They're all spread out around the country but none of them live in Manchester and I'm not well enough to go and see them. Some days I'm fine but other days like today, I feel really alone and isolated.
- I'm tired of living this weird half-life where I can't do the things I need to do let alone the things I want to do and I don't like not feeling like myself anymore.
I have to keep thinking that things will get better but days like today just come out of nowhere and knock me sideways. I know lots of people are suffering much worse than me and I should be grateful for the things that I do have. Let's hope things will be brighter tomorrow x