Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Trying to keep afloat

I feel a bit like ME/CFS is pulling me under at the moment. I feel like it's affecting every element of my life and there's nothing I can do about it because I have no energy.

In no particular order, here are the things that are particularly worrying me today.

  • I have been struggling all year to try and keep doing my MSc whilst trying to work but the ME/CFS is making it impossible. I only have a month or so left and yet I am lost and behind in my dissertation and the exhaustion and brainfog are making it feel overwhelming.
  • I've been given a conditional offer on a PhD place which I would love to take up but it's dependent on the marks I get on my masters. I got some marks back from the essays that I handed in recently and although I haven't got them all back, I don't think my marks are going to be good enough to fulfill the conditions. Again, the ME/CFS is responsible for most of this and it's just making me feel really tearful and defeated.
  • I'm worried about money. I've had to turn down some offers of freelance work recently as I'm just not well enough to do it at the moment but my savings will run out soon and I have bills and debts that need to be paid so the money has to come from somewhere.
  • I have to go for some more blood tests and I am so physically scared of them that it makes me sick and tearful just thinking about them. I have put it off for two weeks now but I'm going to have to go and I hate going on my own but there's no one to go with me.
  • I feel like my symptoms are getting worse not better. I'm trying so hard to sort out my sleep in the hope that it will make everything else a bit more manageable but can't seem to even do that at the moment. I'm fed up of aching all the time and I'm scared that my brain isn't working how it should do.
  • I really miss my friends. They're all spread out around the country but none of them live in Manchester and I'm not well enough to go and see them. Some days I'm fine but other days like today, I feel really alone and isolated.
  • I'm tired of living this weird half-life where I can't do the things I need to do let alone the things I want to do and I don't like not feeling like myself anymore.

I have to keep thinking that things will get better but days like today just come out of nowhere and knock me sideways. I know lots of people are suffering much worse than me and I should be grateful for the things that I do have. Let's hope things will be brighter tomorrow x


  1. hello my lovely, so sorry to hear you are down. one good thing you should know - it is as grey and dark as night time down here and it peeing down with rain, so at least we southerners are in the same depressing old weather boat as you at the mo - we now know what it is like to be in manchester :D
    It would be lovely for you to come and join me in some bday drinks in angel this weekend, so sorry i have been too busy to make it up there, but please at least know that I only have 6 things ready for the first shoot on Monday and one is yours!! so thank you very much, and there, you can do something right! :)

    love you x

  2. Hang in! Sideways days are horrible. The brain functioning will come back after you've had a bit of rest and got the scary blood test out of the way. Take care of yourself now :-)